So Jessica twittered a link to an article on Yahoo: “Dating Question: What Is a Man?”. I’m reading the article and the first thing that comes to my mind is “hmm… this just seems like it’s going to be one of those strictly stereotypical views on the subject.” Honesty, it is and it isn’t. So let’s break it down. As bad of an example as I may be, let’s compare myself to this article.

• Strike one. I don’t carry cash. Well, sometimes I do, but I prefer to use my debit card. It’s for the simple reason of having less cash on you means that there’s less chance of losing it. And really, by using the card you kind of have to think “can I really afford this?” Yeah I know, not the first thing you’d expect to hear, because you know, “I’m a man, men make money, blah blah blah.” I don’t make that much money. It has to be rationed accordingly. Why do you think I drive a *gasp* base model Toyota and don’t have all the flashy new toys?
• Strike two. I can’t build or repair shit. Well.. I can build a computer. And I can fix one. But other than that, I’m sort of lost when it comes to the whole “use of tools” that society has deemed I should know. Last time I tried to hang something it ended up being crooked. And to borrow a line from my grandmother, I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler.
• And wow, I strike out for the third time, right in the opening paragraph of the article. I can’t ever find anything good on TV. Really, it’s why I don’t watch TV. Wait, what? This coming from the guy who makes his living off, um, TV. No seriously, outside of Dollhouse, Legend of the Seeker, Ghost Hunters and The Simpsons, I really don’t watch TV.
• Crap. This is where I run out of strikes. I guess.. Because seriously? Kung-fu? I don’t do kung-fu. I have no desire to kung-fu.
• And I’ve never bought “a man is his job.” Yes, I consider myself a television production expert, a newscast director, editor, etc. but those are all career related terms. I’m don’t consider myself to be some sort of domestic diva when I’m cleaning around here. Nor do I even claim to be some sort of race-car driver when I cruising down the Beltline.

On the plus side I can cook eggs. And I’m more than happy to spread knowledge, espcially when it’s related to geeky things, or on the correct ways to make TV. Honestly, at work I’m more than happy to answer the questions the interns have, even as wild of questions as they may be sometimes. I’ve known people in the past who would rather not have anything to do with them.

486 words just off the intro to the list? Crap.

How does this stack up to the stereotypes?

Their list starts off with “#1. The Communication Style of Man.” Oh boy. This could be bad. Those who know me know that I’m sort of a paradox here. I can be outspoken, opinionated, and loud. But I can also be that quiet geek in the corner, too scared to talk to anyone. You know that I’m better with the written word than I am at oral communication. As to the article: I can’t talk to dogs. The look at me like I’m nuts. Sadly, cats listen to me…most of the time, when they feel like it. Those who knew me in high school, and earlier, know I had a cat as a kid who basically was my shadow. (And when I went to college, until the time he got cancer and we had to put him down, he was *always* the first to greet me at the door. FASTER than the dog.) I do listen when I argue…sometimes. I’ve been known to blurt out things that I don’t mean. In fact I’ve been known to just go on the defense without thinking things through. But I’m not the type who can just wedge my way in. I can’t “pound the table and take the floor.” No one will stop for me. And honestly, I’m terrible at looking someone up and down and figuring you out from that. No really, I am bad at that.

“#2. Man’s Ability to Handle Mistakes.” I’ve been good at this. I can own up to things. I’ve made my fair share of fuck-ups in the past. I’ve apologized many times, especially to producers. But that’s a whole other story. But here, too, I can be paradoxical. I’ve also played the blame game. I’ve got a younger sibling. I can blame the computer, or other pieces of equipment.

“#3. Man’s Basic Instincts.” Oh crap. This is where I have to admit, um, how bad I am at this whole “man” thing. I’m going to do this one point-by-point with the article.

• “A man does not wither at the thought of dancing. But it is generally to be avoided.”
  I cringe at the thought of having to dance. And Candace, and her feet after prom, can attest to the fact that I lack any type of skills relating to dancing. I swear, I have two left feet, or two right ones. It doesn’t matter. I can barely walk on flat ground with-out tripping, so do you really think I’d be that good at dancing?
• “Style — a man has that. No matter how eccentric that style is, it is uncontrived. It’s a set of rules.”
  I guess. Maybe. Does “mix and match what I have that’s clean, then throw on my Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon hoodie count?
• “A man loves the human body, the revelation of nakedness. He loves the sight of the pale bosom, the physics of the human skeleton, the alternating current of the flesh. He is thrilled by the wrist and the sight of a bare shoulder. He likes the crease of a bent knee. Maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his bottom.”
  
  Er wait. Are we talking pr0n here? Or what? I’m slightly confused a it here. I mean I like the sight of boobs just like any guy, and quite a few girls, I know. But the whole concept of pr0n is just, well, lost on me. It’s not that I’ve not seen / watched it. I just don’t entirely see the point. There’s just no fun in it. Did I mention I’m weird?
• “A man doesn’t point out that he did the dishes.”
  
  I used to have to point this out with Emalee. Mostly because it’s the only way she’d actually notice I did something.
• “A man knows how to ridicule.”
  
  eh. I’ve tried. I’ve failed. Next.
• “A man gets the door. Without thinking.”
  
  Agreed. Though, I’ve know some women who are not fans that men do that. No really, they do exist.
• “He stops traffic when he must.”
  
  Candace refuses to drive on Lake Shore Drive with me because of this…. Let’s just say, all lanes of traffic, in one move, to make an exit.
• “A man knows how to lose an afternoon. Playing Grand Theft Auto, driving aimlessly, shooting pool.”
  
  I is geek. I no play video games though, but I have lost myself on the inter-tubes before. Whether it’s reading something, or building a page, or just talking to friends on AIM. I’ve done it.
• “He knows how to lose a month, also.”
  
  I’m not sure I know how to lose a month. No really, I’m not sure I do. Well, I have with work, but that’s because it’s the SOSDD syndrome there sometimes.
• “A man welcomes the coming of age. It frees him. It allows him to assume the upper hand and teaches him when to step aside.”
  
  Eh. Can’t I just go back to being a kid again? It was sooo much easier. And I miss late night Denny’s runs with Candace. On second though, though, outside of late night Denny’s with Cam, it sucked. Bleh. College. That was the sweet spot. Though, not enough Candace time there. Boo.
• “He understands the basic mechanics of the planet. Or he can close one eye, look up at the sun, and tell you what time of day it is. Or where north is. He can tell you where you might find something to eat or where the fish run. He understands electricity or the internal-combustion engine, the mechanics of flight or how to figure a pitcher’s ERA. A man does not know everything. He doesn’t try. He likes what other men know.”
  
  In the immortal words of Dr. Elliot Reid, “Frick!” I don’t grasp concepts like physics rather well. It’s all voodoo to me. I mean, I understand somethings, like “what goes up, must come down” or that Murphy will strike when I’m having a good show, or “speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.” But I can’t tell you what time it is by looking at the sun. That’s what my cell phone is for. And north. Eh. Um. Depends. Am I standing on the Illinois-Wisconsin side of lake Michigan and staring at the lake? Then sure. Am I standing in front of my apartment building. According to my GPS, apparently not. I can point you in the direction of McDonalds, or something, but I cannot tell you where the fish run, except, for when Janesville was flooding last spring, because then it was apparently down Main St. And honestly, if I could tell you where the fish are (Seriously, have you tried the lake?) I couldn’t give you any advice on how to catch them. I know that you can plug something in and it works, that it hurts when you get shocked, and that you can get 1.21 GW from a bolt of lightning, which is enough to send your Delorian back to 1985. The internal combustion engine, flight and figuring a pitchers ERA are unknown to me. Now, that’s not, by the way, saying that I don’t know how to change the oil in my car. I made it a point to learn that. Of course, on the flip side, I can probably tell you things most guys wouldn’t know. Like the specs of NTSC. And I don’t claim to know all. I sometimes just think I do.
• “A man knows his tools and how to use them — just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud, when to use galvanized nails. A miter saw, incidentally, is the kind that sits on a table, has a circular blade, and is used for cutting at precise angles. Very satisfying saw.”
  
  I know how to use the switcher, Photoshop, and the Deko. I know when it’s easier to just live produce something through the control room versus having to assemble it in Avid or Final Cut Pro. I do not know which saw is for what, how to find a stud without one of those beepy thingies, and even then I probably couldn’t find it, or when you should use galvanized nails, though, I might know the last one. I forget. Oh well. This is hard. And the miter saw can go to hell. It’s not satisfying. A Mac Pro with 8GB of ram and a RAID array running Final Cut Pro HD, After Effects CS4, and all sorts of other goodies is.

Still with me? “#4. The Paradox of Man” Well shit. Here’s another one that I don’t fit in. I’ve been known to rationalize things. Wait, you saw a UFO? That had to be a plane, or bird, or something. Of course, there’s always the chance it *could* be aliens. I mean, we can’t be the only intelligent beings out there. I’m looking at you Spock! I know the Vulcans are out there, waiting for us. Show yourselves!! The term “winnow” is a bit lost on me, but yes, I do wait for explanations. I’m the curious type. If something happens there has to be a reason. “He doesn’t see himself lost in some great maw of humanity, some grand sweep. That’s the liberal thread; it’s why men won’t line up as liberals.” Duuuude. Um. Yeah. Who here knows me? Raise your hands? Which side of the spectrum am I on? No really, which side? “A man resists formulations, questions belief, embraces ambiguity without making a fetish out of it. A man revisits his beliefs. Continually. That’s why men won’t forever line up with conservatives, either.” Oh thank god. I was gonna say. Well. But. Well. I don’t know. There’s some truth here to this for me, and there’s not truth here to me. I question things. A lot. The world, myself, etc. But I don’t know if I 100% fit into this mold. I don’t like molds. Things aren’t always binary.

“#5. Man the Island” Alone. I’ve been alone. A lot. Sometimes I cool with it, other times, I despise it. No, honestly, I hate it. I like social interaction, but only if it’s in a setting I’m comfortable in. I can’t stand people. Well… I can’t stand crowds. It’s why I hate the bar. Or large events. I hate driving alone. It’s more fun when there’s someone there to talk with. It was dreadfully boring when I made the drive to St. Paul. It’s why when I drove Chicago to Knoxville I spent time on the phone while I was on the interstate. Yeah, sometimes it’s fun to crank up the music and sing along. Um. Yeah. The problem is I get dirty looks from pedestrians, and other cars, because, er..um…yeah… I’ve been known do do that with Tori Amos or Alanis Morissette or Sarah McLachlan. Of course, I’ve also done it with my most favorite album of all time, Dark Side of the Moon. And yes, there are songs that I know the words to, that, um, yeah, could spark a few questions. “A man watches. Sometimes he goes and sits at an auction knowing he won’t spend a dime, witnessing the temptation and the maneuvering of others. Sometimes he stands on the street corner watching stuff. This is not about quietude so much as collection. It is not about meditation so much as considering. A man refracts his vision and gains acuity. This serves him in every way. No one taught him this — to be quiet, to cipher, to watch. In this way, in these moments, the man is like a zoo animal: both captive and free. You cannot take your eyes off a man when he is like that. You shouldn’t. Who knows what he is thinking, who he is, or what he will do next.” I can see this. Sort of. People watching is fun. I’ve done that at Farmer’s Market, or on State St. before. It’s amusing. I used to get excited as a kid over the trains. I knew which booth in McDonalds I could sit at and have a perfect view of the train station from. But I don’t do my thinking there. Honestly, I do a lot of thinking in the car, or in a dark room, and such. I keep paper next to the bed because some of the best ideas, blog posts, questions, etc. have been when I’m sitting there waiting to fall asleep. And of course, if I don’t write them down, there’s no telling that I’d remember them in the morning.

So. How do I rate? Meh. I’m not sure. I view myself as some sort of paradoxical thing. I don’t necessarily fit into anyone’s mold, anyone’s stereotype. I am me, and this is me. It’s truly weird, and something hard for people to grasp. It’s funny, to think about, though, too. You know, why do I get along better with my female friends? And why do I have more of them than guy friends? It’s questions like that I don’t know the answer to. And why I don’t fit into any mold. Maybe Candace would have some better insight into this than I. Sometimes I swear that girl knows me better than I know myself. And one wonders why she’s my BFF. The Elliot to my JD, the Silent Bob to my Jay, the Cristina to my Meredith. So yeah. Curious to hear her opinion, and well anyone’s opinion on the matter, especially y’all who really know me.

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